These were the words of Dr. Robertson McQuilkin, shortly after receiving his wife’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis. His response pierced my heart — as if someone had reached into my soul and exposed a hidden place of fear and insecurity. Will my spouse be able to love me well until the end, even if our life is never free from the painful effects of chronic illness? Will they reach a point where the sacrifice becomes too great? Could I even blame them if they did?
Statistically, 45% of the population live with at least one chronic illness, which means many marriages and families are also being impacted by its devastating effects. In our marriage my wife has had numerous illness that caused her to have multiple surgeries since she was seventeen. Yet every time she was plagued with an illness, my first response was always how can I take this away from her. It's the same way with my children. It physically pains me that I can not heal them when they are sick.
I truly believe that God has sovereignly ordained this marriage, this family, and this suffering for his eternal purposes — and for our eternal happiness. It has developed in me a greater sense of servitude to the ones I love. A growing experience in putting others before myself. For the one who chronically suffers, there is always a tension between wanting to escape the pain on one side, and learning to trust and rest in where God has us. The spouse, however, bears the pain indirectly. They do not feel the physical pain that their spouse does. They often carry a greater load of responsibility than normal, while grieving the loss of how things used to be and feeling helpless and frustrated with their inability to ease their pain.
Whether we are the suffering spouse, or suffer alongside of our spouse like Dr. McQuilkin, we can glean wisdom from their godly responses as we walk the hard road of chronic pain or illness in our marriages. We don’t have to settle for survival. We can strive to experience a deeper love for the Lord and each other in the midst of our suffering. Whether the suffering comes from physical sickness, depression, or other ailment, we can learn to avoid turning inward and against one another in the struggle. We need to consistently go to the Lord first with our needs and desires, and then take steps to communicate with our spouse on how to navigate the realities of chronic illness together. If we who suffer get trapped in the wrong thinking that our pain is ours to bear alone and nothing more than a burden to our spouse (or children), we will often battle guilt and resentment. We’ll either become hardened to those around us or consumed by the loneliness it often brings.
However, if we realize that God has sovereignly allowed our suffering, not only for our own growth and good, but for our spouse’s as well, it can help us move toward them with a common goal, rather than away in guilt and self-reliance. In fact, we rob our spouses of the God-given role that they’ve been given when we try to live as though we must carry our suffering on our own. We withhold both the privilege of walking alongside us and the opportunity to grow in greater Christlikeness through this trial. May those of us who have been called to live with a long-term illness pray with childlike faith, Lord, heal me if it would be your will, but if not, help me to trust your purposes and love my spouse as you have loved me. Guard me from the deadening cloud of guilt over the burden I feel like I am, and help me trust that you will give my spouse the strength and endurance for the road you have called them to walk.
And may those who have been entrusted with the high calling of loving and serving their spouse with chronic illness be able to pray like Dr. McQuilkin, “Lord, I pray you will do a physical miracle in my wife, but if you choose not to, then work a spiritual miracle in me so that I can love her well until the end.”
